my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
