Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
