Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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