Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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