It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
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just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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