i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
