Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
