I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
