Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
