The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She just used a chaser for red wine.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
