I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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