What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
