Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
