My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
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It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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