So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
