Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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