Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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