We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
