roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.