i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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