i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
