Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
