I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
