I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
