I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you