I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Text me some of your sweat
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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