I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
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I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What changed your mind?
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.