the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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