matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
