Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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