Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
