oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
