woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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