worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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