someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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