I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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