Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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