the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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