just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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