I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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