My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
