I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
