at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
