I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
