I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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