i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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