Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
