My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
