Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
