If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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