Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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