He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
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Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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