Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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