They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
