don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
