I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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